I don’t know if any of you saw my Instagram post about Wesley, but let’s just say we had a difficult week. He got a head cold, a fever, the stomach flu, his first yellow jacket sting, a busted lip, figured out how to climb in Reid’s crib, and thought it’d be fun to stick his hands in his diaper filled with #2 every single time. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to barf this week. I feel like the terrible twos have hit, with a side of sickness and “exploration” of the body. Good thing Wesley’s the cutest kid I’ve ever seen. And poor Reid just hangs out in his swing or on his playmat for 30+ minutes while I have to clean and start the laundry…for the third time in one day. You’ve all been there…it’s just been one of those weeks.
When I have weeks like this though, I’ll be honest….I start to have a selfish pity party for myself. I tend to think, “I do so much for my family. I have been going non-stop. I now deserve a medal” (or a massage, or a night out, or a vacation, or a day alone, or a pair of shoes, or $25, or a glass of wine in peace. Whatever…you fill in the blank.) Mom selfishness at its finest. Do you ever think you deserve a reward at the end of the day because it has been so draining? Somebody just give me a high five!
Why do I think I deserve anything though? Shouldn’t I be joyfully serving my family at all times with grace and love, not needing anything in return? The answer is yes, I should be. But let’s be real…being a momma is hard work and sometimes we need rest, and thankfully we are called to rest. Rest fuels me and it’s in those times of rest that God so graciously reminds me that I have a great life with my children and spouse. I have nothing to complain about. I then come out of a quiet time, or even 30 minutes alone, missing my kids…crap and all 😉
It’s so important to me that my “mom selfishness” doesn’t get in the way anymore. I don’t want to think I deserve anything because, honestly, my kids and husband bring me more joy than I ever hoped and prayed for. They are my daily reminders of God’s provision, grace, and love in my life. I want to be able to see the beauty in the chaos, the laughter in the mess, and ultimately the joy in being a mom on an hourly basis.
I want Him to refine me and, as my kids get older, I want them to see me working out my faith. I want them to see that faith takes work. That even though life is hard, messy, and exhausting at times, that God is my source. I want them to know His mercies are new every morning and that His grace keeps me going. If my kids can see that foundation, that is all I can hope for.
So when my house is a disaster and I’m cleaning poop out of Wesley’s crib, I’m going to be reminded that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be and this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. He sees it all, and no reward on Earth will come close to what is awaiting in Heaven. There will be smashed goldfish on the couch, I will have spit up on my shirt, and my house will smell like stinky diapers at times, but that is my new normal. I want my kids to see God in me, and He is slow to anger, abounding in love, and eager to be with us. I need more of that as a mom.